reflections

Holy Lord, I have sinned times without number, and been guilty of pride and unbelief, of failure to find Thy mind in Thy Word, of neglect to seek Thee in my daily life. My transgressions and shortcomings present me with a list of accusations, but I bless Thee that they will not stand against me, for all have been laid on Christ. Go on to subdue my corruptions, and grant me grace to live above them. Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings of the mind bring my spirit into subjection, but do Thou rule over me in liberty and power.

i was cleaning my room and decided to look at my normal blog list and i saw this prayer by my old new best friend, Andrew (gasp! Sid mentioned a person's name and not just call them as "friend"). And it was the exact words that I wanted to convey. Last night after our young adults meeting, we went over to Nate's house just to hang out because it was Faith's birthday. We ended up playing Blurt (which up to this point, I didn't know could be quite an "emotional" game) At one point, Angela threw a bottle straight at my head. Needless to say, I was quite infuriated... what was even more infuriating was I couldn't physically retaliate. If a guy throws a bottle at me, I have the option to retaliate and just hit them back, not so if it's a girl (stupid social conventions! although, if the female was a feminist, I would probly hit her back... equality and all. :P nah.. i wouldn't... maybe... hahaha) Apparently, I yelled at her. I didn't think so. I was just talking in a stronger and could possibly be perceived as harsher tone than normal... but I wasn't yelling. That moment just brought me face to face again with issues of pride and forgiveness (or lack thereof). Eventually, we settled it. However, I still feel some sort of ill will towards her and I'm gonna have to guard myself against that. One of the issues that I've had to deal with in the past was holding grudges against people for big and small things. I don't want to slip into that habit again. This is probly why the prayer Andrew posted resonated within me. It was a call, a call to submission, a call to laying down of sins, a call to repentance.

There are so many times I have wanted to give up this whole Christian thing. Why? I don't feel like I can live up to it. God calls us to such a high calling that the moment I see and realize how big and how grandiose this calling is, I can't help but feel so overwhelmed and so little. Then I am reminded that I wasn't supposed to do it in the first place, this living up to Him and His laws. It is He Who accomplishes this within me. It is a big relief to know that I'm not in it alone. He's there with me. Sometimes I just remind myself whenever I feel like I can't live up to it that David was a murderer AND an adulterer and was still called "a man after God's own heart". So, in that sense, I'm pretty good. lolz. God called imperfect humans with varied temperaments to accomplish His will. It's taken me a long time to not resent who I am, and still I'm on that journey. If only I was quieter... if only I was more "serious"... if only I acted like a monk, I'd be a "better" Christian. God made me the way I am and to question why He made me the way I am is for the jar to ask the potter why it was made that way. It was made for a purpose that only the Potter knows. God uses extraverted people too! lolz. I guess I've always had an image of what a good Christian man looks like and that image has always been one of reserved, almost stoic, strong, impenetrable, quiet man and since I'm so not any one of those, I feel rather lacking. The journey so far has told me that that image is a caricature and not exactly the best role model ever. Paul had quite a temper. David danced without abandon publicly. Hosea married a whore. Isaiah was naked for three years. Jesus overthrew tables. Obviously, God knows what He's doing by making me the way I am. Now, to harness that energy and knock down walls (Oto-san, i miss u.)

I guess that's what leads me to a time of thanksgiving. That despite my sketchiness and quick-temperedness and all the flaws inherent in me, God still wants to use me. God yearns to use me. God desires my company. God accepts my praise and worship. God loves me! oh how He loves me. He loved me so much that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". When I had nothing to offer, He offered Himself up for me. While I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers, He carried the cross. The ultimate sacrifice for a not-so-ultimate person.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine.

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thoughts

so i've been looking back at my old blogs and i'm thinking of doing another series. I previously wrote a 3 part series dealing with relationships... thinking of maybe writing another series on something. I'm not quite sure yet. There hasn't been an issue that has been prevalent in most of my discussions... so I'm throwing out the question out there. What are the things that you have thought about recently or would like to discuss about? I'm not guaranteeing that I'm gonna do it but at least it'll get the ball rolling.

i'm pretty sure i can use my old writings on my blog in my book (when i write one...) i think....

Starfield, parking tickets, Summit, retreats, oh my...

"what do I have if I don't have You Jesus
what in this life could mean any more?"

and so the eagerly anticipated words to one of my favouritest songs were sung as their encore performance. the concert was amazing!!! it started off when on Monday we went to Blessings (a Christian bookstore) to go buy the tickets. i didn't know that they were gonna be there so i was super excited to get to meet them. i quickly bought a cd and was trying to remove the plastic cover when the band helped me open it. STARFIELD OPENED MY STARFIELD CD!!!



all with the help of Jesus! (they couldn't open it so they used a Jesus Saves pin to open it) lolz. i got a picture with them and got my cd autographed. i loved the worshippy atmosphere coupled with the rocking out atmosphere combined. they knew when they needed to rock it out and they knew when to let it flow. beautiful.

what was not so beautiful was the fact that a day earlier, i got a parking ticket. i was meeting up with my ap (accountability partner) and i was running late as it was, so i parked in a place that i shouldn't have parked. so i got a ticket. bu hao.

i went to the young adults retreat with my church at camp medeba. on the way there, i saw the Camp White Pine arrow and it took a lot out of me not to tell the driver to go to White Pine so i can go to Summit. but we passed it by with no word from me telling them to turn... my heart went there though. oh Summit... the excitement that flows through me just hearing that one word. so many memories. but i was there to create new memories with a new group of people. and memories we created! 3 guys in one car for 4 hours... and i'm in it... so there were lots of "bonding" moments. eheheh. and we had our worship "moments" like 2 and a half hours of practice and Consuming Fire *shudders* but all in all the worship went well, i think (and i don't think itz because i'm biassed coz i was the worship leader) others said so so i'm just reiterating what others have already said. :D the sessions really dealt with issues that were so basic but things i needed to hear once again. the question of: Are you sure you want to do this? Am i completely sold out to the cause of Christ that i would do anything and everything He requires of me? Do i really want to know what that means? Sometimes itz just so scary what He requires of me. Even though i know that He will always be with me, that He will give me the strength to do what i need to do, there is that fear and doubt about the uncertainty of the future. The retreat was just a nice reminder that i need to face these issues head-on now and stand my ground and be unshaken in my faith and fervour in following Him. Got to talk to the speaker and he was pretty cool. he's taking his masters in theology so we were talking about how i want to get my ph.d. in theology and various routes that i should probly look into.

and i heard a rundown of what happened during Summit and i'm so jealous i wasn't there!!! Dan, I know that you don't read my blog but.... YOU ROCK!!! OH YEAH!!! :P u definitely made me proud this weekend!!! hehehe. and just super excited that the guys that i met up with last year are stepping up into leadership roles. what more can i ask for?

all in all, this weekend was amazing! i hope this is but a taste of what's about to happen in the near future.

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p.s. i saw this vi deo and it reminded me of myself...and many others... :P watch it coz itz hilarious!!! this video is not me... yet! hahaha