reflections

Holy Lord, I have sinned times without number, and been guilty of pride and unbelief, of failure to find Thy mind in Thy Word, of neglect to seek Thee in my daily life. My transgressions and shortcomings present me with a list of accusations, but I bless Thee that they will not stand against me, for all have been laid on Christ. Go on to subdue my corruptions, and grant me grace to live above them. Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings of the mind bring my spirit into subjection, but do Thou rule over me in liberty and power.

i was cleaning my room and decided to look at my normal blog list and i saw this prayer by my old new best friend, Andrew (gasp! Sid mentioned a person's name and not just call them as "friend"). And it was the exact words that I wanted to convey. Last night after our young adults meeting, we went over to Nate's house just to hang out because it was Faith's birthday. We ended up playing Blurt (which up to this point, I didn't know could be quite an "emotional" game) At one point, Angela threw a bottle straight at my head. Needless to say, I was quite infuriated... what was even more infuriating was I couldn't physically retaliate. If a guy throws a bottle at me, I have the option to retaliate and just hit them back, not so if it's a girl (stupid social conventions! although, if the female was a feminist, I would probly hit her back... equality and all. :P nah.. i wouldn't... maybe... hahaha) Apparently, I yelled at her. I didn't think so. I was just talking in a stronger and could possibly be perceived as harsher tone than normal... but I wasn't yelling. That moment just brought me face to face again with issues of pride and forgiveness (or lack thereof). Eventually, we settled it. However, I still feel some sort of ill will towards her and I'm gonna have to guard myself against that. One of the issues that I've had to deal with in the past was holding grudges against people for big and small things. I don't want to slip into that habit again. This is probly why the prayer Andrew posted resonated within me. It was a call, a call to submission, a call to laying down of sins, a call to repentance.

There are so many times I have wanted to give up this whole Christian thing. Why? I don't feel like I can live up to it. God calls us to such a high calling that the moment I see and realize how big and how grandiose this calling is, I can't help but feel so overwhelmed and so little. Then I am reminded that I wasn't supposed to do it in the first place, this living up to Him and His laws. It is He Who accomplishes this within me. It is a big relief to know that I'm not in it alone. He's there with me. Sometimes I just remind myself whenever I feel like I can't live up to it that David was a murderer AND an adulterer and was still called "a man after God's own heart". So, in that sense, I'm pretty good. lolz. God called imperfect humans with varied temperaments to accomplish His will. It's taken me a long time to not resent who I am, and still I'm on that journey. If only I was quieter... if only I was more "serious"... if only I acted like a monk, I'd be a "better" Christian. God made me the way I am and to question why He made me the way I am is for the jar to ask the potter why it was made that way. It was made for a purpose that only the Potter knows. God uses extraverted people too! lolz. I guess I've always had an image of what a good Christian man looks like and that image has always been one of reserved, almost stoic, strong, impenetrable, quiet man and since I'm so not any one of those, I feel rather lacking. The journey so far has told me that that image is a caricature and not exactly the best role model ever. Paul had quite a temper. David danced without abandon publicly. Hosea married a whore. Isaiah was naked for three years. Jesus overthrew tables. Obviously, God knows what He's doing by making me the way I am. Now, to harness that energy and knock down walls (Oto-san, i miss u.)

I guess that's what leads me to a time of thanksgiving. That despite my sketchiness and quick-temperedness and all the flaws inherent in me, God still wants to use me. God yearns to use me. God desires my company. God accepts my praise and worship. God loves me! oh how He loves me. He loved me so much that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". When I had nothing to offer, He offered Himself up for me. While I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers, He carried the cross. The ultimate sacrifice for a not-so-ultimate person.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine.

and scene...