Secede in te ipsum

10.21.2009

The Shape of life

I was contemplating writing "The Circle of life" but as I was thinking about it, I decided against it. Sometimes, it doesn't feel so infinite. It feels so finite. It feels like a line sometimes, when I've reached the destination and I'm left wondering, what's next? It seems like a square sometimes, going from corner to corner, getting lost in the process. Sometimes it's like a triangle, as I go from side to side, only to find my way up to the top. Sometimes, it's like a circle, and I go around and around, never reaching a particular destination, but the process of going round and round was actually THE destination.

Life has been something that I've often thought about. Lots of people say that we don't have a lot of time on this earth and we only occupy such a short amount of time. And yet, when I have readings piling up, problems crashing down, worries that won't go away, that time doesn't seem so short. It seems so interminably long. But when I am listening to my favourite song, cherishing a beautiful poem, or having conversations with those near and dear to me, I wish I could hold on to it forever. Time seems so ephemeral or daunting depending on my mood on that day.

Four years ago, I graduated from university. I always wanted to get my Masters, just wasn't sure which one to take. Then life took me for a spin. It took me to such far-flung places like North Africa and Europe. I got to see things that I didn't really think I would be able to. To see the desert dunes at sunset, or the Roman coliseum where my descendants of faith were martyred, to experiencing a Latin mass in a beautiful cathedral... it really is a marvelous thing to behold and be a part of.

And now, the travelling is over. Now is the time for settling down. It's been awhile since I knew where I was going to be for such a long stretch of time (aka 3 years!). And with that realization comes some rising feelings of doubt and fear. How am I going to do this? I'm only a month in and I'm already feeling so stressed out! Can I make it? Will I do well? What if I can't make it?

I know that I put too much pressure on me. I know it. I feel it. I feel the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. I was never meant to carry it. I was supposed to let Christ do that for me. But it just comes so naturally.

And now I struggle with my daily dose of burdens. I feel the burden of perfection... to do and to be the best at whatever I do. And it's so easy to be humbled and reminded that I'm not perfect. I just have to look at the paper that I just handed in. I feel the burden of un-attachedness. As I look around and am surrounded by people who are married or in a relationship, or in the throes of one, I'm reminded that I am not in the same predicament. As each year goes by, the screams of insecurities grow louder and louder. In the darkness, the sound of silence is too painful to hear.

But God is still infinitely merciful to me as He gives me glimpses of silver lining amidst the grey clouds that hang over me. He gives me people to remind me that hope is still alive. He gives me friends that show me love. And for that I am truly thankful.

I have no idea where life is taking me. But... all I need is You. And may that always be true of me.

and scene...

posted by Loco @ 00:00 1 comments

10.10.2009

Song of Sid IV

Song of Sid IV

Mind spinning, whirling, twisting
Remembering what should remain forgotten
Seizing what should remain hidden
Contemplating what should remain latent

Soul descending, spiralling, groaning
Falling under a burden of care
Stumbling over sins I bear
Tripping over and under everything, I swear

The walls are closing in
I can barely breathe
My world is caving in
I can barely scream

I cry out in the open
I cry in despair
The tears flood my senses
But I can't tell if You're there

Silence.
Screaming silence.
Painful silence.
Silent silence.

Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani

Tetelestai.

posted by Loco @ 19:38 0 comments

10.07.2009

Retreat

This is a re-posting of a poem I wrote (3.31.2008). It just reminds me of how much I need to set aside time to be able to think and meditate and contemplate and reflect on God! It's a good reminder to me of what happens when I spend time with Him... He speaks!

Lessons by the sea

In the distance, I hear the ocean's roar
Its peaceful waves lapping the shore
It caught my ear, it caught my eye
Such a vision, so near, so nigh

As I looked, it spoke to me
Mortal man, can you see?
I, His work, proclaim His name
Do you, His beloved, do the same?

My tongue was tied, I could not speak
Here, its waters, so mighty so deep
Its roar, explain it cannot, to those who can hear
Its language so alien, so foreign, imperceptible to the ear

Yet I gifted with the tongue of men
With language that the ear can understand
Fail to declare while the ocean perseveres
The God who loves, who loves even me

I guess this is what happens when I heed the words "be still"
His mighty works I even begin to hear
O God, loosen my tongue that I may praise
For ever did I hear even the ocean say

God is near, here and everywhere
His praise, His works will never fail
To proclaim, to declare, to shout, to roar
The Blood of the Lamb conquers all

To us, His children, are given this task
To show His love as in His love we bask
Our sins as great as they may ever be
Greater still is He, our Saviour, our King

As fast as feet could ever fly
The Lord is Risen, must be our cry
His kingdom there shall be no end
Usher must we His kingdom, till all knees bend

and scene...

Labels: Christian poetry, contemplation, meditation, poem, reflection

posted by Loco @ 22:53 1 comments

8.19.2009

Misty Waters

On Monday, my Canadian STINT team went to Niagara Falls for a day trip. While I was there, I finally went to Maid of the Mist, a boat ride that takes you up close to the falls. I was all alone because they didn't want to go. So off I went. As I was nearing the falls, the mist created by the crashing of the falls intensified. And suddenly, it was almost like rain. And there I was, face to face, with this amazing force of nature. I took out my camera and then put it back in my pocket. I had a moment like this before in North Africa when I was walking surrounded by the gorge. It was a moment that I wanted to capture because I wanted to be reminded of God's beauty. But when I looked at the pictures, I was rather disappointed. It didn't capture the beauty that my eyes saw. It captured something static while my eyes captured something dynamic. It was moving, breathing, alive. The picture was lifeless, still, dead. And I was reminded yet again of the many God-moments I have experienced. And there's a part of me that wishes that I could capture it so I can look at it again and remember. Thankfully, my memory still works and I can go back in time and remember. And to a certain degree, writing about it, in some way, encapsulates it and makes it real. That this was something that I experienced and felt.

As I stood there, looking and feeling the roar of the waterfalls, I am yet again brought face to face with the majesty and awesomeness of my Creator. It was so beautiful... yet it is also deadly at the same time. I would not want to be caught in that water. I am reminded again of how small I am, and how big God is. It was a humbling experience and one that also brought great relief. I know that I can't make it on my own... but I know that I serve a God big enough to deliver me from anything and everything.

Everyone on the boat were taking pictures, looking intensely at the falls, basically completely bedazzled by its beauty. It was beautiful in its grandeur, in its stillness, in its seeming eternality... people hundreds of years ago saw the same thing that my eyes were seeing. That's somewhat mind boggling. This thing has stood the test of time. And will continue to do so. One day, my children will see those same falls. And their children's children will see it too. The thought of that timelessness is ridiculous to contemplate and meditate on.

I think that's what amazes me so much about nature. Nature has this enduring quality about it. Our world is filled with disposable things. Things that come and go. But you look at a mountain and you know that it is not going to go away anytime soon. That mountain will outlive you.

And that does not even compare to the timelessness and eternality of God. HE was the One who made those things. And this Timeless and Eternal One has set His eyes on me and said, "YOU! SID! YES YOU! You will be my son, and I will be Your Father". That is bone-chilling, spine-tingling, amazingness! I get to be a part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people who are called out of the darkness into His marvellous light. Selah.

"What do I have that You have not given me
What do I give that is not already Yours
All I possess is this life I'm living
And that's what I give to You, Lord"

and scene...

Labels: awesomeness, God, majesty

posted by Loco @ 16:12 0 comments

7.28.2009

a poem i never gave to a girl...

In the darkness of night,
I feel a warm ray of light
Confused, perplexed, amazed was I?
The sun has set
The moon is nigh
And yet such warmth I felt could not be denied.

Like Prometheus who stole fire from the gods,
You have stolen the sun fro the sky
Like Prometheus who gave fire to mortal men,
So thou hast shared its radiant beams to those on earth who dwell

I have heard tis folly to go near the sun
Too close and fiery death shall be my demise
Yet I long to know the sun
Though like Icharus I might collide

I long to knows its mystery
Hidden from my eyes
I wonder at its glorious beauty
My naked eye can't behold such sheer delight

Ensconced in such lofty heights
Shrouded with a veil of mystery,
Unsearchable, unknowable thou art,
O daughter of the heavenlies
Yet if thou seest fit to manifest thyself as a daughter of Eve
Thy secret, true nature, may yet be fathomable for a Son of Adam like me?

Wilt thou forever remain as a daughter of the heavenlies,
Or have I gained favour in thy sight, O daughter of Eve

posted by Loco @ 15:03 0 comments

6.19.2009

Now that you (pl) are gone...

So a couple of days ago, my whirlwind romance with the Canadian projectiles have come to an end. I got to spend 6 glorious weeks with them and they were such a great source of encouragement for me. It's been awhile since I've felt loved and appreciated in a very expressive way so their leaving has left me feeling somewhat alone again. I enjoyed hanging out with them and getting a chance to talk to the guys one-on-one has been amazing. David was also an amazing roomie and super bonded during our times together, talking till 3 a.m. in the morning. It helps that he gives really good massages.

When the time to leave happened, there was definitely a lot of waterworks, especially with the two. So many rants and vents and laughs happened between us that it was just really hard letting go.

And so, here I am, almost about to go soon too. Feeling good about leaving, anxious about it too, and all around uncertain as to what the future holds. But apparently, "He's got the whole world in His hands" so I have nothing to fear.

and scene...

Labels: cry fest, future, leaving, people

posted by Loco @ 03:57 0 comments

4.25.2009

The Descent

and so, slowly but surely, i go down to the pit. the only difference is that this time it is with resignation. it is hard not to give up when the outcome seems so certain.

may God have mercy on my soul.

and may God grant me the joy i need so badly too.

and scene...

posted by Loco @ 18:37 0 comments

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