coming back...

well, this is a homecoming of different sorts. the first ever blog i ever had was on this site. then i moved to xanga. did live journal for sometime. at one point, i triple posted on xanga, livejournal, and blogger. then i cut out livejournal. then i cut blogger. now, i cut xanga and went back to my roots. what brought this on? hmmm... i'm not completely sure. part of it is that most of my friends are on blogger, but that's not even really the reason. i held out for quite awhile. i think i'm coming back to blogger as a sort of returning back to my roots. a homecoming. back where it all started for me. and it all started with a girl named Vanessa who brought to me the world of blogging. thanks V!

as well, i've been experiencing a homecoming of some sorts on the spiritual sense. about 2 weeks ago, i received news that i couldn't quite handle appropriately. it sort of triggered something within me that was completely more than what the initial problem was. it led me to have a new, altered view of who He is. I started to see Him as a taskmaster than a loving Father. I saw myself as a slave to this egotistical Cosmic Being, Who is sovereign over all things, and I am just one of His many tools to accomplish His grand plan that cannot be thwarted. In the process, I lost all hope and all joy. I didn't stop loving Him... but I certainly did not like him at all. I still acknowledged Him as my Creator, but not the Lover of my soul. By removing love, the most essential thing in our relationship with Him, I have managed to put myself in a pit that I couldn't get out of. I have never felt so isolated nor alone in my life. When the one thing that is so secure is suddenly taken away from me, I was left with nothing. I couldn't even reach out to Him... why bother, I thought to myself. He is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent. He knew that I was going to feel this way... in fact, He probably even orchestrated this moment. Why should I ask him to come to my rescue? I didn't dare talk to him, lest I be rebuked as the one who darkens His counsel and starts asking me where I was when He laid the foundation of the world. In this world, we will have troubles... a servant is not treated better than His master anyways. This is my lot and the one that has been given to me. I could not, for the life of me, utter the words of David in Psa. 23. He is not my shepherd; He is my taskmaster. He does not lead me beside still waters; He puts me to work. And so the turmoil of emotions within caused mayhem in the deepest part of my soul. I have lost my Father and my Friend. I gained instead a tyrannical and dictatorial Puppet Master. Funny what happens when we remove love from the equation.

It is ultimately His lovingkindness that drew me out of the pit I have created for myself. I had to remind myself that He loved the world. I thought it rather ironic that the staunch Arminianist suddenly became an extreme Calvinist. What a fatalistic approach I took. I had to remind myself that His good could also intersect with what is my good. Softly, but resoundingly, I hear the strains of "for You are good/for You are good/for You are good to me". To me. For the longest time, I only kept on hearing about everything is for His glory, Him, Him, Him. And yes, I do agree that He is sovereign. But in the process of doing that, I forgot that I was a co-heir of the kingdom as well. His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me. How often I forget the most basic of our tenets.

And so, the process of healing begins. True, I have injured my soul and I still am left sometimes wondering about certain things. A part of me has stopped questioning and trying to understand the Word or Him... it almost seems so ridiculous. At the end of the day, we all fall back to the words "we cannot fully know who He is... He is a mystery". Then that part of me asks why bother asking questions to things that I cannot have an answer. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. A part of me still don't know what this whole "prospering me" plan looks like. Heck, I don't even know what His "good" is. He can do whatever He wants anyways. What He calls good is good.

"Why art thou downcast, o my soul, why art thou disquieted within me? ... I shall yet praise Him" - Psa. 42:11

and scene...