New Thoughts

something weird happened this new year. there was a change within. i felt optimistic about the future. this burning desire to seek Him first above all. recognizing more and more the sinful man that i am. understanding what "who saved a wretch like me" means. i felt like a new creation. i could see my flaws before than before. but when i saw my flaws, i didn't despair like before, i just recognized it as something that God was showing me that i needed to change. weird.

i want to love more. to truly exemplify what that love means. loving others in a servant way. loving others in a sacrificial way. loving others when i don't necessarily feel loved. andrew and i have been having weekly studies together. i'm doing a love series on 1 Cor. 13. each week, we discuss about one characteristic/trait of love. the last one that i've done was the one about how "love is not puffed up" or "arrogant" in some versions. ever since then, i have seen aspects of how arrogant i am and how i puff myself up in a myriad of situations. somehow this new year opened up my heart to see myself in a new light, to see God in a new light, to see how i see myself in a new light and even seeing how i have seen God before and how i may not have exactly seen Him in the light that i should have seen him in. lesson of the day: i want to be in the light.

God has definitely been teaching me how to be humble myself. or maybe i should say that God is humbling me instead. the work here can be frustrating. especially if i start having a works attitude. or seeing numbers as the end result. or needing to see something. something that shows my work. something that validates why i came. to have something to show for. coz somehow itz not enough that i please God... i need to please men. and i have to really ask myself if i really believe it's true that "someone who has God and something else has no more than the one who only has God himself". am i satisfied that He is my portion? is He enough for me? do i truly believe that He can satisfy ALL my needs? those are hard questions that i've had to try and come to grips with.

i think something also happened to our "team dynamics" over the past 4 months. i noticed it too. i think it's just a better appreciation and a greater love that we have for each other. we're starting to grow as a family.

i still need a clearer vision as to what to do, not only for the immediate future (aka next year) but also a long range vision of where i know God is leading me. i shall not move until that has been revealed. please pray that i would be able to listen and to hear Him when He speaks to me about this subject. and that i would obey, no matter what the cost is.

and so this new year begins with new hope, new revelations, new promises. Thus spake Sid.

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