Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder what my life would look like if I put God as my ultimate priority. While I really really want to do that, there's a huge part of me that's so scared about the outcome. Do I truly value God above my studies, above potential good jobs, above future income, above unfulfilling relationships that delude me into thinking that it is the epitome of everything that is good in life. I wonder if the relational God that I serve will bring me into a relationship with a helpmate because He has deemed it 'not good' that I was alone.

I wonder if I shall continue to serve the idol of academia and the pursuit of excellence instead of serving the God of the Scriptures. In seminary, it is so easy to forget God in the pursuit of God. Unfortunate, bordering on tragic.

I wonder if the desire of my heart shall ever be fulfilled. Shall that which I yearn for finally be within my grasp? Or shall I continue to long and ache for that which I have not?

I wonder if I shall continue to hope against all hope for hope itself. To live a hopeless existence is death and yet to continually live with hope frustrated, does it not bring death to the self too? The negotiation between the two is both difficult and necessary. I admit I have not found the resolution as of yet.

I wonder if it is better to live in the land of delusion than to live in the land of reality. For in the land of delusion, I am able to delude myself that life is okay and that life is not that hard for there is hope at the end of the tunnel. In the land of reality, I am forced to face the brutal facts that things are not okay and the future is unknown. A malevolent future or a prosperous future brings no joy nor relief... for I do not know which one it shall be. The very act of not knowing the future makes it so unnerving. Some delight in the endless possibilities. I only see the potential doom.

I wonder if I will always struggle through life. Will there be a time when the time for struggling is done away with, and the time for non-struggling begins? For I am weary of this fight and quite ready to throw in the towel and say "Enough! No more!"

I wonder if peace shall ultimately reign within me as promised by the Scriptures.

I wonder if joy shall fill my life.

I wonder if love will consume and burn me through and through.

I wonder...

and scene...