flashback

So as I was thinking about how Wally Cirafesi is so young, I decided to think about the thoughts I was thinking when I was his age. And so I found this blog post...

Frustration

Sometimes I just don't want to read blogs of other people or just knowing what's going on in other people's lives. It just leads me to the wrong path of envy and jealousy. "Wow, they're really making something out of their lives!" or "What am I doing that's even worth mentioning?" Am I even impacting anyone or anything in this world? The questions and the answers to those questions are enough to make me stop and go into the fetal position and just rock back and forth. Self-pity? I don't know. Maybe. What's the line between self-pity and reality? Must I make myself feel better to salve what little self-esteem I have or do I face the reality that I'm worthless and at least try to do something about it. The good thing is that I don't feel completely useless. I've at least made some sort of impact on some people and that's good to know. So all may not be lost yet! I guess all of this stems from the fact that I'm not doing what I really want to do. And itz not for the lack of trying. It takes time before some dreams are realized and I guess I'm just in that waiting phase. I'm just tempted to leave everything behind, ride a car, go on a roadtrip, maybe do some "real" camping, go to a plane and go to Japan, or something. Just anything. This place is suffocating. I'm so close to just giving up on everything and go back to what I've turned my back on: the pursuit of money. I know money is not gonna solve my problems but it does lessen a lot of the problems that I face right now. The one thing that's keeping me from that is the fact that I feel that if I pursue money, I'd be turning my back on God. Right now, that's an option that I can't take. Must not take. The moment I walk that path... I know that it'll lead to my destruction. Sometimes though I feel like I'm on that edge of walking away from Him. Trust me, I KNOW the consequences of such an action. But when you feel like you've got nothing to lose, it tends to make you take the risks that you would never have thought of taking. I hope I don't end up becoming an agnostic like Charles Templeton. This is probly just a momentary thing... in a couple of minutes I'll reflect on God's goodness and all will be well once more. But at this moment, at this time, I just hate being in the land of the living. Life is expensive and quite honestly, doesn't really bring me that much joy right now. Heaven is a bit more appealing to my tastes. Yet, death does not come to those who yearn for it. Everything is just overwhelming. "This world's a tortured place to be/So many things to torment me/ And as I stumble down this road/ It takes a toll" I guess this means that nothing has changed? lolz I will write a more worthy blog for you after I finish my paper...