On Graduating

I stood up and took my place in the line. Names being called, graduands walking up the stage, smiling, shaking hands, getting a piece of paper, walking off, and going back to their seat. One by one, the people in front of me disappeared. Until finally, I was next. They called my name and it seems time stood still. This is it. Everything I've worked for. All the sleepless nights, hours of writing, researching, procrastinating, wanting to quit, thoughts of failure, feelings of momentary triumphs, pondering, meditating, thinking... all of the hard work and the emotional roller coaster of the past two years for this moment. I walked up the steps, almost tripping on my hood, walked up, shook the Chancellor's hand and heard the words everyone else heard, but now seems so personal. Something something I confer to you something something Master of Theological Studies something something rights and privileges. And the hood was put on me and then I walked down the steps and then I got a picture with my diploma and I went back down to my seat. And just like that I now was a Master of Theological Studies. I looked at my diploma and wondered if I graduated with honours and it didn't really say it. But there was a letter in it. I opened it and was expecting some congratulatory letter. Instead, I found out that I was the recipient of an award (Catherine Thomson MacAlpine Memorial Scholarship) for academic excellence. I was overjoyed. It came as a complete surprise. After the convocation, while talking to a friend, I accidentally found out that I was also on the Honours List. Both achievements were what I've always dreamed of. I remember walking down the awards display case and always wished that my name would be up there. But to actually have it happen, is another thing!

Later on, I found out that the award was voted on by the whole faculty which made me appreciate the award even more. To think that when they were thinking about who best exemplified academic excellence, out of all the people they would choose me as the bearer, is flabbergasting! As much as I am happy and proud that I won the award, I find myself more humbled and very grateful. I know that it is only by the grace of God that I got it and it was not all me. And I don't mean that as some spiritual cliche. Through this event, I actually experience God's mercy and compassion. Usually, when people win an award, they experience God in more triumphalist terms. For me, I was yet again reminded of how low I am and how high God is. I cannot help but express the words of the Psalmist when he said "What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?"

I just feel so thankful, grateful and loved. I am yet again reminded of how my life has been enriched by the people in my life. Thank You Lord for allowing me to have this opportunity to learn more and draw closer to You. Thank You for providing me with the financial means to do so. Thank You for using this time to humble me and give me a better understanding of who You are to me and to Your people.

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Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder what my life would look like if I put God as my ultimate priority. While I really really want to do that, there's a huge part of me that's so scared about the outcome. Do I truly value God above my studies, above potential good jobs, above future income, above unfulfilling relationships that delude me into thinking that it is the epitome of everything that is good in life. I wonder if the relational God that I serve will bring me into a relationship with a helpmate because He has deemed it 'not good' that I was alone.

I wonder if I shall continue to serve the idol of academia and the pursuit of excellence instead of serving the God of the Scriptures. In seminary, it is so easy to forget God in the pursuit of God. Unfortunate, bordering on tragic.

I wonder if the desire of my heart shall ever be fulfilled. Shall that which I yearn for finally be within my grasp? Or shall I continue to long and ache for that which I have not?

I wonder if I shall continue to hope against all hope for hope itself. To live a hopeless existence is death and yet to continually live with hope frustrated, does it not bring death to the self too? The negotiation between the two is both difficult and necessary. I admit I have not found the resolution as of yet.

I wonder if it is better to live in the land of delusion than to live in the land of reality. For in the land of delusion, I am able to delude myself that life is okay and that life is not that hard for there is hope at the end of the tunnel. In the land of reality, I am forced to face the brutal facts that things are not okay and the future is unknown. A malevolent future or a prosperous future brings no joy nor relief... for I do not know which one it shall be. The very act of not knowing the future makes it so unnerving. Some delight in the endless possibilities. I only see the potential doom.

I wonder if I will always struggle through life. Will there be a time when the time for struggling is done away with, and the time for non-struggling begins? For I am weary of this fight and quite ready to throw in the towel and say "Enough! No more!"

I wonder if peace shall ultimately reign within me as promised by the Scriptures.

I wonder if joy shall fill my life.

I wonder if love will consume and burn me through and through.

I wonder...

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Misty Waters

On Monday, my Canadian STINT team went to Niagara Falls for a day trip. While I was there, I finally went to Maid of the Mist, a boat ride that takes you up close to the falls. I was all alone because they didn't want to go. So off I went. As I was nearing the falls, the mist created by the crashing of the falls intensified. And suddenly, it was almost like rain. And there I was, face to face, with this amazing force of nature. I took out my camera and then put it back in my pocket. I had a moment like this before in North Africa when I was walking surrounded by the gorge. It was a moment that I wanted to capture because I wanted to be reminded of God's beauty. But when I looked at the pictures, I was rather disappointed. It didn't capture the beauty that my eyes saw. It captured something static while my eyes captured something dynamic. It was moving, breathing, alive. The picture was lifeless, still, dead. And I was reminded yet again of the many God-moments I have experienced. And there's a part of me that wishes that I could capture it so I can look at it again and remember. Thankfully, my memory still works and I can go back in time and remember. And to a certain degree, writing about it, in some way, encapsulates it and makes it real. That this was something that I experienced and felt.

As I stood there, looking and feeling the roar of the waterfalls, I am yet again brought face to face with the majesty and awesomeness of my Creator. It was so beautiful... yet it is also deadly at the same time. I would not want to be caught in that water. I am reminded again of how small I am, and how big God is. It was a humbling experience and one that also brought great relief. I know that I can't make it on my own... but I know that I serve a God big enough to deliver me from anything and everything.

Everyone on the boat were taking pictures, looking intensely at the falls, basically completely bedazzled by its beauty. It was beautiful in its grandeur, in its stillness, in its seeming eternality... people hundreds of years ago saw the same thing that my eyes were seeing. That's somewhat mind boggling. This thing has stood the test of time. And will continue to do so. One day, my children will see those same falls. And their children's children will see it too. The thought of that timelessness is ridiculous to contemplate and meditate on.

I think that's what amazes me so much about nature. Nature has this enduring quality about it. Our world is filled with disposable things. Things that come and go. But you look at a mountain and you know that it is not going to go away anytime soon. That mountain will outlive you.

And that does not even compare to the timelessness and eternality of God. HE was the One who made those things. And this Timeless and Eternal One has set His eyes on me and said, "YOU! SID! YES YOU! You will be my son, and I will be Your Father". That is bone-chilling, spine-tingling, amazingness! I get to be a part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people who are called out of the darkness into His marvellous light. Selah.

"What do I have that You have not given me
What do I give that is not already Yours
All I possess is this life I'm living
And that's what I give to You, Lord"


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