Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder what my life would look like if I put God as my ultimate priority. While I really really want to do that, there's a huge part of me that's so scared about the outcome. Do I truly value God above my studies, above potential good jobs, above future income, above unfulfilling relationships that delude me into thinking that it is the epitome of everything that is good in life. I wonder if the relational God that I serve will bring me into a relationship with a helpmate because He has deemed it 'not good' that I was alone.

I wonder if I shall continue to serve the idol of academia and the pursuit of excellence instead of serving the God of the Scriptures. In seminary, it is so easy to forget God in the pursuit of God. Unfortunate, bordering on tragic.

I wonder if the desire of my heart shall ever be fulfilled. Shall that which I yearn for finally be within my grasp? Or shall I continue to long and ache for that which I have not?

I wonder if I shall continue to hope against all hope for hope itself. To live a hopeless existence is death and yet to continually live with hope frustrated, does it not bring death to the self too? The negotiation between the two is both difficult and necessary. I admit I have not found the resolution as of yet.

I wonder if it is better to live in the land of delusion than to live in the land of reality. For in the land of delusion, I am able to delude myself that life is okay and that life is not that hard for there is hope at the end of the tunnel. In the land of reality, I am forced to face the brutal facts that things are not okay and the future is unknown. A malevolent future or a prosperous future brings no joy nor relief... for I do not know which one it shall be. The very act of not knowing the future makes it so unnerving. Some delight in the endless possibilities. I only see the potential doom.

I wonder if I will always struggle through life. Will there be a time when the time for struggling is done away with, and the time for non-struggling begins? For I am weary of this fight and quite ready to throw in the towel and say "Enough! No more!"

I wonder if peace shall ultimately reign within me as promised by the Scriptures.

I wonder if joy shall fill my life.

I wonder if love will consume and burn me through and through.

I wonder...

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Happy

Itz been awhile since I could say I'm happy... so I'm really happy that I'm experiencing happiness again. Living under gloomy and stormy clouds for awhile, itz nice to see the light shining again. And oh, how it shines and warms my soul. "How long have I been in this storm?" turns into "This is the day that the Lord has made/I will rejoice and be glad in it".

What have I learned during this time? Well, I learned that there is no such thing as a personal sin. All sins are relational sins. If I personally sin, it WILL affect other people. I mean, I knew this... but it was shown to me in a very personal way. I learned that forgiveness is going to take something out of me... just like forgiving me took something from Jesus. Forgiveness is coupled with restoration of a relationship not just words said to a person. I learned that I'm willing to change if I see people the way that they're supposed to be seen and not when I see people the way that I see them. I learned that I'm too busy being an image-builder instead of an image-bearer. I care more about building an image that others will see than just faithfully bearing it. I learned that we're not broken because we sin, we sin because we're broken. I learned AGAIN that though my sins are great, my God is greater. He's the One who changes me, not me changing myself though my own personal will and efforts.

Je t'adore mon Seigneur. T'es mon esperance et mon tout en tout.


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A new poem to greet the New Year

Well, I had a good Christmas and New Year. That's always good. It's been awhile since I've written a poem, so I figured I would do one today. I like writing poems from time to time to express myself in written form. So, hope you enjoy it...

Song of Sid III

Love, the word that causeth so much pain to my very being
For in that word, I find failure and discontent
The command to love others, extended to those my eyes can see
Within me breeds such displeasure, no mortal tongue can stay.

Why should I love the others, the strange ones
For that is who they are to me, strangers they will remain
Proximity and affinity will ne’er translate to intimacy
Though I be in their vicinity, yet they are none to me
They are banished in the land of Love-Not
And there, firmly made residents.

You remind me that I was once such an inhabitant
Yet you came for me, and fed me, and clothed me
And in so doing, exiled me to live in the Land of The Loved
There You sent me, and bid me stay.

Though I try to escape, the shackles of peace restraineth me
Though I try to leave, the nails of charity won’t release me

Love, a word commanded to me
In due time will it slay me, and be made Victor
In Love’s victory, I shall be defeated
And thus shall I live in the Land of the Loved
Where Love is made victor, and I, poor I,
Shall be made citizen till Azrael takes me hold.

what i've been reading...

So i've been reading some Kirkegaard and I must say that I have been thoroughly impressed by his writing style and the profundity in the content of his works. I feel like he gives voice to my thoughts and ideas, reflections and musings on different topics. I'm reading an anthology of some of his works and it has been a delight to read both for my mind and my soul. So here are some snippets of things that I like from his works.

From his Works of Love

"Thou shalt love." Only when it is a duty to love, only then is love everlastingly secure against every change; everlastintly emancipated in blessed independence; everlastingly happy, assured against despair. "

"Consequently only when love is a duty, only then is love eternally secure. This security of eternity drives out all anxiety and makes love perfect, perfectly secure. For in that love which only has continuance, however confident it is, there is still an anxiety, an anxiety about the possibility of change. "

"Duty ... makes a man dependent and at the same time eternaly independent. "Only the law can give freedom." Alas, we often think that freedom exists, and that it is the law which restricts freedom. However, it is just the other way: without law freedom simply does not exist, and it is the law which gives freedom. We think, too, that it is the law which makes distinctions, because when it is the law which makes the distinction, because when there is no law there are no distinctions. Still it is the other way: when it is the law which makes the distinction, then it is exactly the law which makes everyone equal before the law."

"Love covers a multitude of sins. For it does not discover the sins; but the fact that it does not discover what still ust exist, on sofar as they can be discovered -- that is hiding them."

"Love covers a multitude of sins; for what it cannot avoid seeing or hearing, it hides by keeping silent, by a lenient explanation, by forgiveness. Through silence it hides the multitude of sins."

"Love covers a multitude of sins; for love prevents the sin from coming into existence, strangles it at birth."

The topic of love has been something that has dogged me for awhile and this year, I've been able to study it a little bit more. His thoughts on love has been welcomed and a breath of fresh air. I don't like surface simple answers and he doesn't give them. He gives well thought-out answers that have been borne by prolonged reflection and meditation on the subject. As a result, his responses are succinct and articulate, though lengthy. And I'm glad that he devoted much writing to an area that is much discussed. His thoughts about "sickness unto death" is also worth looking at. I'll blog about that later. For now, think about those thoughts. =)

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