spiritual lessons

i must admit that i was wary about this trip. it was supposed to be a roadtrip, two guys, searching for God knows what. out on the open road where we are free to discuss, to not discuss, to debate, to contemplate, to spur each other on to greater heights in our walk with God. it was borne out of a desire to know Him more intimately at a time when things were confusing, foggy, unsure, not knowing what to do with the life that He entrusted me. so i decided to take a month off, to find, to search, not only for God but also for a job. and then the illumination: through words of counsel from an old friend and his wife (who happens to be my old pastor as well, who basically knew me ever since i stepped foot here in Canada) a better understanding of who i am, the gifts i have, the most effective way that i can be of use to the Great Commission. i still can't believe the words that he said. he siad that i was an advanced thinker then compared me to Spurgeon (!), who encouraged and nourished a slew of people for the Great Commission. that when you read spurgeon, a part of you just wants to stand up and go out into the world and fulfill that which Jesus asked of His disciples. some people strive under pressure; others thrive under pressure. i can read between the lines: i was one of the survivors not thrivers. i knew enough about myself to know that this is true. and so, barring catastrophe and going against God's will, i will soon be a theologian. not that i haven't really thought about that before, but now it seems so much clearer and is now my goal. at least i have something to work for.

the day that we were about to head out for the road trip, i called my friend up. we were supposed to pick the car by 4 p.m. and it was already 3:50 p.m. and he still was not near my house. so i told him that he should just cancel the reservation online, come to my house, and just park the car in his driveway because i don't have a space for it in my driveway. then he said those words that still reverberates in my ears: i don't drive. i thought he meant by "i don't drive" was the same meaning when i say " i don't drive" meaning i hate driving but if i have to, i will. he physically can't drive because he doesn't know how to. to which i said, "i ain't driving all the way to halifax all by myself!" and the matter was settled, we were going to bus it. everything that the road trip was supposed to be was shattering. we're not going to be in the open road and now we have an itinerary. i didn't want to have an itinerary. i just wanted us to go out on the open road, turn right or left, wherever we wanted to go, and be free to get lost (but you can't get lost if you don't have a final destination) on the open road. i started to have a lil panic in my soul. can i still have the same "spiritual experience" on the bus?

and so we went to moncton (NB) ,halifax(NS), sydney (NS) and sherbrooke (QC).

i remember looking out from the bus window and seeing this beautiful lake (or at least some body of water), so peaceful, so serene, so placid, so majestic in its simplicity. and then the houses that surrounded it. that obscured its view. that defiled its beauty. it just reminded me of how man screws up so many things that God has made beautiful. He extends His forgiveness and we somehow think that it gives us a free license to sin. He extends His love towards us and we pervert it by treating Him like He's a genie in a bottle that needs to obey our every wish and desire. He extends His grace towards us yet if we're really honest with ourselves, we don't really, truly repent of our sins. Why else would we keep on doing the same thing over and over and over again? God in all His glory, man in all His baseness. and yet He still loves me. even though i am a man of unclean lips in a crooked and perverse generation. it still boggles my mind that He would love me so. but i have stopped trying to understand. He is Who He is and I am who I am and never shall I comprehend and fathom the depths and the heights that is God's.

i was reading a book that i picked up at a used book store in Moncton. it was called "Le problème de Dieu de la Bible a l'incroyance contemporaine". and there was this one quote that got me. and still gets me. This part was talking about Moses and God and this was the burning bush experience.

"Moïse proteste de son insufficance : << Qui suis-je...? >> Il reçoit en retour la promesse divine : << Je serai avec toi. >>

How many times have I asked that of God? Who am I? Who am I to lead your people into worship? Who am I to pray when I am so full of sin and shame? Who am I to talk about Your Word to other people when I have not meditated day and night and because of that this Book of the Law should never have departed from my mouth? And the resounding answer is: I will be with you. The frustration I have with the question of "Who am I?" is that i try to find answers that is within me but the answer has and always will be outside of me. God will always be the answer to the question "Who am I?" Only He can give me the answers because He is my Creator. Never ask a creature what it is, always ask the Creator. It was good to be reminded of that once again.

the past is gone. the present is here. the future is unclear. it is a mystery. but the one thing that i know about the mysterious tomorrow is that He shall ever be with me. and that's all i need to know.

Day by day, oh dear Lord, three things i pray: to see Thee more clearly, to love Thee more dearly, to follow Thee more nearly, day by day.

and scene...