it's been a long while since I have last written here. the reason: i'm not quite sure. partly laziness, partly busy-ness, partly lack of motivation. this blog began just as a way to write about the things that i'm thinking about. it was actually provoked by a book that i was reading called "Number Our Days". that was my first real blog entry in December 2004. i had another blog during that time and so this was my "secret" blog. somehow along the way it became not-so-secret anymore. i wrote for myself before. then, i think in some weird way, i wrote for other people. to give them an update of what's going on in my life, so to speak. to let them know what i was thinking. then it became a blog about getting comments. sadly, my highest count for comments was only 11. i never reached the 18 comments that some of my other friends get. then i realized that i was somewhat doing it for other people and pulled back and only waited until i was told to update. then i'd update. then it became about updating other people again. and now, it has slipped into some sort of quiet oblivion. i don't really know why i'm writing anymore. the more i read other people's blogs, the more i don't want to write in my blog. partly jealousy (they get so many more comments than i do) so why bother writing, partly conviction (they write about really spiritual stuff while i just write about what's going on in my life), partly inferiority (apparently blogs are supposed to glorify Jesus and such... like everything else that we must do), and partly busy-ness (i just really haven't had the time to sit down and write). all of these reasons coagulating into non-writingness.
so why did i return? partly coz i was told to update. :P i was talking to Wei and he was telling me that i was being un-Sid like because i) it's taking me forever to answer on MSN and ii) i haven't been updating my blog. i guess i like it when people see the subtle changes because i feel like they know me way better than those who don't see those slight changes. plus, lydia told me to update and i like lydia. but i have to do it in my own time not just to please others but to please myself as well. i do like writing and in some weird way, it kinda got lost when i just wrote because other people wanted me to write an update.
the past couple of weeks has been very stretching and very trying. God has been teaching me about forgiveness and charity (love, KJV version). two concepts that i have not been truly applying in my life. i couldn't get away from it. everywhere i turned, the lesson was being broadcasted loud and clear for me to hear. i felt like God was trying me and i kept on failing. i would "forgive" only to go back into the state of anger within a moment's notice. it was like God was saying, "Look, we're not gonna go anywhere unless you learn this lesson and you learn it well". i'm still a work in progress when it comes to those two things but i feel like there has been definite improvement in those key areas.
i was talking to one of the guys that i was meeting up with last year coz we haven't really had the chance to just get together and talk ever since school started. he was very busy with school and with mid-terms so a couple of weeks ago, after the weekly meeting, i asked him when his mid-terms were over and he said that he was finished that night. so i said that we were going out to celebrate. we went pho'ing (pho bo ga roxxx!!!) on the way to the car and to pho bo ga, we were just talking about the things that God has been doing in our lives and i was talking to him about my situation (ie read above paragraph) and it seems that he was going through the same thing. we were talking about leadership coz he's now a dg leader and some of the things that are good and bad about leadership. the one good/;bad thing about leadership is that it teaches you to grow up fast. it really does. the learning curve is rather steep, not some gradual slope. especially in Christian leadership. you find out so much about your faults, weaknesses, and inadequacies the moment you're put in some sort of leadership over other people. it really forces you to rely on God, real fast. after we got out of pho bo ga, on the way to the car, he said words that still ring in my ears "Sid, you're one of the people that i really, really look up to". what do you say to something like that? well, i said, "pressure pressure". lolz. it was funny coz i felt so humbled by what he said and proud at what he said. humbled in the sense that God would choose someone as messed up as i am to impact his life and proud in the sense that in my own lil way i had an impact in his life. one of the things that i have always asked myself is the question of legacy: what will i leave behind when i die? have i touched even just one person's life for the greater good? coupling that moment that while leading my small group study at church (we're doing a book study on "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer), i was asking them "What is an event that caused you to pursue God in a more intimate way?", one of the guys said that it was being in the group that caused him to want to pursue God more. "It's like I go to the group and then I want to go home and read my Bible". honestly, even if i paid someone to compliment me as a leader, i wouldn't even have come up with that one. and i'm reminded of so many people in the world who never get to experience or see the fruits of their labour, of the lives that they have touched, and yet God has given me unique opportunities to remind me that my labour is not in vain, that i should continue in labouring in His vineyard, and given me the privilege of seeing the fruits of my labour. i truly can't thank Him enough for that. so merciful, so gracious, so loving.
what a mighty God we serve.
and scene...
No comments:
Post a Comment