Transitions

The night before I left for North Africa, a sudden feeling of fear and anxiety came over me. It came in a question format. I was going inside my car, thinking, wondering, "What have I done?" It was something brief, something fleeting.

Or so I thought.

The day that I was supposed to leave, this question came back in full force, threatening to overwhelm me with its implications and connotations. "What have I done?" Am I really going back? Did I forget all the hardships of last year? It certainly wasn't a walk in the park. There's hardly any parks here to begin with!

Am I going for adventure? NO!
Am I going for fun? Now, that's funny!
Am I going for the people? Well, they're nice and all but I wouldn't up and leave for them.
Am I going for Him? YES, and only for Him and because of Him.

It's another time of transition for me and transitions are always difficult and scary, in the beginning. New people, new team, new everything. The first time that I got into our apartment, I was surprised by the new set-up we had, and I'm not talking about furnitures. It was a new way of living together. Something that was different from last year. And it scared me... because I was used to the other one. It just didn't sit right with me. As the days are going, I'm slowly re-adjusting to it. It'll take some time to getting used to, but I will get there.

Transitions sometimes bring the worst in me. It sorta makes me go to the default mode of anger, spite, selfishness and uncaringness. When that's what you've been walking in for a very long time, it's hard not to go back to it when you feel like you don't know what to do. It just feels so much safer and comforting. Yes, I know it's wrong. And I'm hoping that no one is going to write me some long e-mail rebuking me about it or giving me advice on how to not do it. But, that's how I operate and work. I'm not saying it's right nor am I saying that I'm not doing something about it. But, I am who I am.

Slowly, but surely, I'm learning how to extend grace again. To myself and others. I'm learning how to love others and trying to meet them where they're at. I am expending energy and effort to try and get to know people. I really want this year to be a great time of learning to walk with Him and do things together with Him.

Adsum Domine.


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