Cloak of Despair

As I've been listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll, reading a book called "Search for Significance", the other one by Corrie Ten Boom called "Jesus is Victor", and as I've been really examining my life, I have come to the jarring realization that I live in perpetual anxiety. I didn't realize how anxious I was and am. Right now, I am battling for joy. It's a difficult fight... sometimes a fight I don't even really want to fight. It's so much easier to just let the waves of despair and the lies from the Enemy to overwhelm me rather than take every thought captive.

These past couple of months have been quite difficult for me. One of the things that I think I have unwittingly and maybe even unconsciously (though sometimes very conscious) given up on a lot of things. I've given up on the thought of achieving community, I've given up on having meaningful relationships with people, I've given up on the thought of abundant life. I feel like they are a pipe dream, something I will never achieve nor see in this life but in the life to come. While there is some truth to that, it doesn't mean though that I should give up on ever seeing it to fruition.

I'm just so tired of fighting. The battle is wearying. Not to say that I don't ever have moments of bliss and happiness. I do get those from time to time. But not enough to characterize the majority of what I'm going through.

Yet through this season, there is something that he wants me to learn. This is a time of refining. Only He knows how I can come out of this better, changed and transformed to be more like Him.

Adsum, Domine


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