So here it is...
(Posted Aug. 20, 2005)
or,
On relationships: the intricacies and complex social weavings that occur in human relationships
The subject of relationships is one that almost every human being engages in, yet somehow never truly examined. This most basic social interaction that all human beings engage in for the most part remains unknown. Now, there might be some that would disagree that ALL human beings form relationships for are there not examples of people who constantly remain aloof and despise social interactions. Yet, I would say, that refusal to engage in social interactions with other human beings still constitutes as a relationship, albeit a bad one.
How then should we define a relationship? Before delving deeper into the intricacies of relationship, I feel that the word should be defined first so as to have a basic playing field when discussing it. I would define relationship as a social interaction that two, or more, human beings engage in. For the purpose of this blog, I shall only deal with dyadic relationships.
When people talk about relationships, the first thing that comes into mind is the idea of romantic relationships. As much as this is true, I rather despise this narrow view that has been inflicted on the word relationship. Of course, one lone voice in the overwhelming sea of majority cannot single-handedly change the connotation of the word. I would hope that this blog would at least make people aware that the term encompasses more than romantic relationships, and should not be used only within that narrow scope.
The most basic of all relationship is probably that of the caregiver and child. In this relationship, it can be said that it is one-sided for it is the caregiver who provides comfort and nurtures the child while the child does not do anything to benefit the caregiver because the child is incapable of willingly giving something for the caregiver's pleasure.
The next stage in the formation of relationships is that formed with peers, more commonly known as friendship. During a child's early formative years, the peers play an important role in helping the child know society's unwritten rules and regulations. Through the child's interaction with other children, s/he will come to be ushered into the complex intricacies that surround this social interaction called friendship. Through this social exercise, one learns such virtues as honesty, loyalty and patience, just to name a few. As the child grows into adolescence and young adult, this relationship becomes stronger and deeper. Even the Bible acknowledges this deep bond that can happen between two people: "A friend loveth at all times", "and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother",etc. The story of David and Jonathan shows the intensity and depth of what a friendship between two people can have. Daniel and his three friends (Shadrach, Mishach and Abednego) is yet another example that comes to mind. Together, they decided to go into the furnace. Did not Jesus himself utter the words "Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends"? Jesus, in the songs that have been composed of Him, and in the Bible itself, has been described as a "friend of the sinners". Can it not be said that the 12 Disciples can also be described as Jesus' 12 Closest Friends? Clearly, there is a reason that friendship plays such a prominent role in people's lives.
What then is involved in a friendship? First, I firmly subscribe to the idea that friendship is an exercise in trust and vulnerability, two concepts that are important to grasp and to acquire in one's life. I cannot count how many people I know whose lives have been completely altered by a friend's betrayal or hurtful words expressed in the heat of the moment. As courtship is to marriage, so is friendship to romantic relationships. It is in the safe confines of friendship that the seeds of important foundations for a romantic relationship are built. The important thing to know about trust is the fact that it may take years to acquire and only a second to lose. Vulnerability is the ability to open up to someone and share in their joys and pains, willing to proverbially walk in the other person's shoes. Within certain Christian circles, there is a fear that members of the opposite sex cannot engage in trusting, vulnerable friendships due to the idea that it will escalate into another level of friendship that involves physical interactions or a compromise in terms of emotional integrity. At first, I must admit, that I thought the idea to be a little bit misguided, verging on the absurd. However, with much thought, I can see how that can happen. Our society is so polarized right now that the middle ground is not sought out. So, when a male and female of the species Homo Sapiens suddenly open themselves to each other, the result could well be that. We have not been socialized enough to develop friendships with that of the opposite sex that remains platonic. What a pity. I do think, however, that it is possible to have a trusting and vulnerable relationship with a member of the opposite sex and still remain to be friends. I refuse to think that we can not control our emotions. But, as I said, the emotional maturity of most people in our society is quite lacking. It is quite disappointing and rather disgusting actually.
Within same-sex friendships, one of the things that is sacrificed at the expense of the idea of the real-man syndrome is the ability to open up about personal emotional issues. It is as if by being born with an appendage between the legs, one has lost the ability to experience and properly process emotions. Emotions for the male has been relegated to one thing: sexual pleasure. This seems to be the only emotion that the Homo Sapien male can experience. I must assert that males experience a gamut of expressions. Due to societal pressures however, we are not allowed to express them. The only emotions we are allowed to express are rage and lust. And then society wonders why males are so violent and grossly misrepresented in the penitentiary system compared to their female counterpart. Looking at the David-Jonathan friendship, we see a friendship that even exceeds that of the love David has expressed towards the women in his life. He had sexual intercourse with Bathsheba but was not exactly the happiest man once he heard that their union has brought forth a child in her womb. Plus, as we look at history, the camaraderie and love experienced by men have always been encouraged and promoted. In fact, the love between men has been said to surpass that of the love between man and woman. Sadly, in this world of extreme sexual polarization, such friendships would be tainted by accusations of homosexuality. An interesting aside for most Christians: Homosexual Christians have, in their attempt to rationalize their homosexuality as Biblical, have re-appropriated the David-Jonathan relationship as a homosexual one.
Friendships, like any relationship, is fallible simply because we are all humans. So, as much as we would like to be friends forever, some friendships end rather disastrously. What causes a friendship to break asunder? There are many things that can cause a friendship to end but it can all be subsumed under the category of trust, to be more specific, betrayal of trust. Betrayal of trust can happen through a myriad of circumstances, but the most common one is brought about by the entrance of lies in the relationship. Nothing breaks up a friendship like a lie. So, how should you deal with a betrayal that has caused you pain and emotional scarring? Closure. I've always been a big fan of closure. Communication is key. Talk to the person in a non-confrontational way and just tell them how you feel and how they have caused you pain when they did *insert situation here*. Or you can just not have any emotional reaction to what they have done and try to live as if nothing has happened. Delusion has always had its allies in the real world.
Friendship is an important and necessary exercise that we, social creatures that we are, must engage in. Such a relationship teaches us how to act within a social framework. It guides us into the path of accepted social morés and conventions. It is also a wonderful teacher in learning how to empathize and engage in physical and emotional interaction with other human beings.
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and scene...
2 comments:
I'm impressed Sid about the thought you put into that little treatise.
I agree with you on most of your points. Someone once said, we are made for relationships and it is indeed difficult to have a valuable relationship when it is not characterized by mutual openness, honesty and trust, which could all be lumped together under the term "faithfulness" or as Paul would say "agape" love. There are no games going on there and everyone knows where they stand with each other.
Emotions indeed come and go. Sometimes we can control how we will feel about something, by our understanding and our beliefs and perhaps we can choose our response to our emotions, but that is likely all. You are right that the expression of our emotions is expected to conform to certain cultural norms. Notably, as you pointed out, fear has served to undermine and frustrate the development of intimate friendships between the opposite and same-sex.
Now that is all fun and good, but what questions do you think this raises?
I still read you, Mr. Loco.
My only thought is that our desire to form relationships is inherent to the fact that we are made in the image of God, and that He is relational.
Email me some time and we'll set up a time for Skype.
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