The Shape of life

I was contemplating writing "The Circle of life" but as I was thinking about it, I decided against it. Sometimes, it doesn't feel so infinite. It feels so finite. It feels like a line sometimes, when I've reached the destination and I'm left wondering, what's next? It seems like a square sometimes, going from corner to corner, getting lost in the process. Sometimes it's like a triangle, as I go from side to side, only to find my way up to the top. Sometimes, it's like a circle, and I go around and around, never reaching a particular destination, but the process of going round and round was actually THE destination.

Life has been something that I've often thought about. Lots of people say that we don't have a lot of time on this earth and we only occupy such a short amount of time. And yet, when I have readings piling up, problems crashing down, worries that won't go away, that time doesn't seem so short. It seems so interminably long. But when I am listening to my favourite song, cherishing a beautiful poem, or having conversations with those near and dear to me, I wish I could hold on to it forever. Time seems so ephemeral or daunting depending on my mood on that day.

Four years ago, I graduated from university. I always wanted to get my Masters, just wasn't sure which one to take. Then life took me for a spin. It took me to such far-flung places like North Africa and Europe. I got to see things that I didn't really think I would be able to. To see the desert dunes at sunset, or the Roman coliseum where my descendants of faith were martyred, to experiencing a Latin mass in a beautiful cathedral... it really is a marvelous thing to behold and be a part of.

And now, the travelling is over. Now is the time for settling down. It's been awhile since I knew where I was going to be for such a long stretch of time (aka 3 years!). And with that realization comes some rising feelings of doubt and fear. How am I going to do this? I'm only a month in and I'm already feeling so stressed out! Can I make it? Will I do well? What if I can't make it?

I know that I put too much pressure on me. I know it. I feel it. I feel the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. I was never meant to carry it. I was supposed to let Christ do that for me. But it just comes so naturally.

And now I struggle with my daily dose of burdens. I feel the burden of perfection... to do and to be the best at whatever I do. And it's so easy to be humbled and reminded that I'm not perfect. I just have to look at the paper that I just handed in. I feel the burden of un-attachedness. As I look around and am surrounded by people who are married or in a relationship, or in the throes of one, I'm reminded that I am not in the same predicament. As each year goes by, the screams of insecurities grow louder and louder. In the darkness, the sound of silence is too painful to hear.

But God is still infinitely merciful to me as He gives me glimpses of silver lining amidst the grey clouds that hang over me. He gives me people to remind me that hope is still alive. He gives me friends that show me love. And for that I am truly thankful.

I have no idea where life is taking me. But... all I need is You. And may that always be true of me.

and scene...