Life Insurance: yay or nay?

The following is an excerpt from one of my projects for Biblical Interpretation and Application. For this class, we had to do a Scripture twisting journal. I know that I have had previous conversations in the past with fellow Christians who wonder about taking life insurance. This is my response to that question.

Scripture Twisting: Matt. 6:19-20

            My friend and I recently got into a conversation about life insurance. I guess that’s a sign of growing up and having to deal with real life issues. He was debating whether he should get one or not. When I asked him why he was hesitant about it, his answer took me by surprise. He said, “isn’t it wrong to get a life insurance? I mean, doesn’t the Bible say that we shouldn’t store up our treasures here on earth and that we should store up our treasures in heaven instead?” Since the Bible does say that we are to store up our treasures in heaven rather than on earth, does that apply to life insurances?

            France comments that “the focus of this saying is on priorities: heaven rather than earth. It is going beyond the intention of the saying to use it as a basis for ruling out all material possessions and all provisions for the (earthly) future on the part of the disciples.”[1] He reminds us of how “the itinerant and dependent lifestyle of Jesus and his disciples depended on the support of those who had not divested themselves of all their possessions.”[2] This verse is trying to highlight the need for us, as followers of Christ, to have an eternal perspective. It is to remind ourselves that we need to live a life that brings honour and glory to God. However, this does not mean that we should not be mindful of the fact that we do have an earthly existence rooted in material things. We need to eat, drink, have a job so that we can take care of ourselves and our family. Jesus is not trying to advocate some Gnostic idea of the flesh and how we should not take care of it. Jesus is, however, advising us that everything we do in this life is meaningless if we do not prepare for the life that is to come. We need to have a heavenly focus while we are on earth.

            My friend misunderstood the crux of the matter. This verse is not averse to taking care of our fleshly needs and desires. Getting life insurance isn’t about storing treasures here on earth instead of in heaven. Getting life insurance is a wise investment of the financial resources which God has given unto us. However, if our mind and heart puts its trust on our life insurance instead of God to provide for us, then we are in danger. It is a matter of priorities rather than a blank statement against having material possessions. According to Carson, he committed a fallacy arising from omission of distanciation in the interpretative process.[3] In some way, he is interpreting this passage just like the fisherman in F.F. Bruce’s story. Thinking that acquiring or being rich in material possessions is bad, he then imposes that theology on this particular verse. A proper understanding of this verse should lead him to first and foremost, question his motives behind getting a life insurance. Is he getting it so that he does not become a burden to those he will leave behind? Is he getting it so he can ease the burden on his family since his death will result in a loss of income for the family at large? Or is he getting it because he does not trust that God will provide and so he better start taking care of himself because God may or may not help him out in the end? Examining his priorities and evaluating his response would be a better way for him to tackle this question.

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[1] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[2] France, The Gospel of Matthew, 259.

[3] Carson, Exegetical Fallacies, 128.

flashback

So as I was thinking about how Wally Cirafesi is so young, I decided to think about the thoughts I was thinking when I was his age. And so I found this blog post...

Frustration

Sometimes I just don't want to read blogs of other people or just knowing what's going on in other people's lives. It just leads me to the wrong path of envy and jealousy. "Wow, they're really making something out of their lives!" or "What am I doing that's even worth mentioning?" Am I even impacting anyone or anything in this world? The questions and the answers to those questions are enough to make me stop and go into the fetal position and just rock back and forth. Self-pity? I don't know. Maybe. What's the line between self-pity and reality? Must I make myself feel better to salve what little self-esteem I have or do I face the reality that I'm worthless and at least try to do something about it. The good thing is that I don't feel completely useless. I've at least made some sort of impact on some people and that's good to know. So all may not be lost yet! I guess all of this stems from the fact that I'm not doing what I really want to do. And itz not for the lack of trying. It takes time before some dreams are realized and I guess I'm just in that waiting phase. I'm just tempted to leave everything behind, ride a car, go on a roadtrip, maybe do some "real" camping, go to a plane and go to Japan, or something. Just anything. This place is suffocating. I'm so close to just giving up on everything and go back to what I've turned my back on: the pursuit of money. I know money is not gonna solve my problems but it does lessen a lot of the problems that I face right now. The one thing that's keeping me from that is the fact that I feel that if I pursue money, I'd be turning my back on God. Right now, that's an option that I can't take. Must not take. The moment I walk that path... I know that it'll lead to my destruction. Sometimes though I feel like I'm on that edge of walking away from Him. Trust me, I KNOW the consequences of such an action. But when you feel like you've got nothing to lose, it tends to make you take the risks that you would never have thought of taking. I hope I don't end up becoming an agnostic like Charles Templeton. This is probly just a momentary thing... in a couple of minutes I'll reflect on God's goodness and all will be well once more. But at this moment, at this time, I just hate being in the land of the living. Life is expensive and quite honestly, doesn't really bring me that much joy right now. Heaven is a bit more appealing to my tastes. Yet, death does not come to those who yearn for it. Everything is just overwhelming. "This world's a tortured place to be/So many things to torment me/ And as I stumble down this road/ It takes a toll" I guess this means that nothing has changed? lolz I will write a more worthy blog for you after I finish my paper...

Feb. 14 poem

Thoughts on Feb. 14

Why?

The question that follows me.

It is my shadow

Ever with me.

Why this?

And not that?

It is my deadly foe.

Who always vanquishes me.

Oh, how it turns in my mind and my soul.

Rendering me incompetent and disabled.

It is a quest for meaning

To make sense out of nothing

But to no avail

The question of enthrallment

I was talking to a friend yesterday about some of the problems we face when we communicate with our parents. A lot of the people I know (especially the Asians, or immigrants in general) have trouble talking to our parents. Why? I think it's the generational gap in thinking that serves as a barrier. Our parents usually ask questions like "What kind of job can you get with your degree?" or "How much money are you going to make with your job?" Our response is usually something along the lines of "Life isn't just about money or getting ahead" or "I don't care what job I get as long as I'm happy." And the tension between the two generations rise up. While our parent's generation had to deal with "real" problems like poverty and famine, our generation deal with existential problems like "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?"

Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs give us a glimpse into how this works itself out. For people who have to deal with questions of basic needs like "where are we going to get food for tomorrow?," they do not have the time to bother themselves in asking "do I find fulfillment in what I am doing right now?"

And so, we sit through class lectures at university wondering how knowing chemical equations, logical fallacies, and Darwin's evolutionary theory can give us a sense of accomplishment. What is this all about? Is it merely a series of events that culminate with me, walking down the aisle, and getting a piece of expensive paper with letters beside my name? Is this about getting a degree so that I can look/sound better than other people (when really there is no discernible difference between me and others, other than my degree that tells me I know things except I forgot everything after that first mid-term)?

What is our purpose? As Christians, the answer to that question is simple: our purpose is to obey God. After all, we are his servants. His very slaves. But, if we are honest, we have no idea what being a servant/slave means. No friggin' clue at all.

I was watching a show the other day about a man who owns gladiators and slaves. In his desire to exalt himself, he plots and schemes his way to curry the favour of a top Roman official. To entertain him, he gives the Roman official his most prized gladiator to deal with as he wishes. The Roman official, in his depravity, orders the gladiator to commit a morally contemptible act with another slave. The dilemma: the slave is his best friend's wife. But, slaves as they are, they have no choice in the matter but to follow orders. Even when they did not want to. Even when it was something against everything they stand for. They had no choice: they were slaves. They were nothing but property of their master who will deal with them in any manner he so chooses. Their lives are at their master's whim. Such is the life of a slave.

And yet, here comes God, in His infinite goodness, who sees our situation and buys us into a life of goodness. Sin is a cruel slave-owner and the price for getting out is dear and costly. It might even cost someone his own life. Yet, knowing the price for a wretch, God sends His own Son to redeem us, to buy us back from a life of depravity and death. His death in exchange for mine.

Let's pretend this scenario happens: someone who was not worth a dime being bought at a price of someone's own life. If that happened, I feel like I would be so extremely indebted to that person that I would do anything and everything for him. Even if it wasn't demanded of me, the freedom I now enjoy would cause me to celebrate and honour the man who has purchased me. If the one who has bought me would release me from his own power, yet would I not leave his side.

And yet this scenario is not some hypothetical example! This is what happened when Jesus Christ came to die on the cross and was raised from the dead three days later. His crucifixion and resurrection were the very means of our own redemption. Our freedom was gained through the sacrificial Lamb.

Something I'm guilty of, and I fear most of us as well, is how we do not understand the suffering of Christ. The whips, as horrible as they were, could not compare to the anguish of the soul that must have overcome Jesus when the very people he fed and who praised him just days before, were also the same people whose faces were turned against him, pleading and crying out for his death. How lonely and rejected he must have felt when the disciples who lived with him who professed their love for him were the ones who denied knowing he even existed. The physical, emotional and spiritual brutality that was inflicted upon him is incomprehensible. This was not something drawn out in weeks, months, or years. This came so suddenly and so strongly. Were we in that same position, would we not, just like Jesus, cry out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

All of this Jesus endured for our sake. Should this not well up within us such feelings of humility, contrition and love for Him? A worm such as I, deserving of nothing, was given everything! I, who owned nothing, am now made co-heirs with the Son of God. I, who was nothing, am adopted into the family of God. The pauper is now made prince! What sheer delight should fill our soul at such a thought! If this God ever tried to get rid of me, if He said to me, Leave my presence!, I have no choice but to let Him know that I shall do no such thing! I have seen what the world offers, and it pales in comparison to what He has shown me. I cannot and will not leave Him even if He should try to rid Himself of me! Such is my love for Him.

Yet, I fear that this is not the case. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love" is more the refrain of my life. And I have often wondered why? Why is it that despite of everything God has done for me, I so easily wander away from Him?

The answer was simple: God did not enthrall me. When I go to a store and I see the latest gadget, my eyes are fixed, my heart beats faster, and I am enthralled! I want that! I covet that! When my eyes perceive a thing of beauty, my knees go weak, my tongue is stilled, and I am enthralled! I yearn for that! I long for that! The things of this world so easily seduces me with its empty pleasures and empty promises. The problem with idols is that sooner or later, you realize that it wasn't worth it but you've lost everything of worth in the process.

As I gaze upon the wondrous cross, am I left speechless at the sheer agony and pain my Saviour must have endured for me? Do my eyes fill with tears of joy because for once in my life, someone thought I was worth something and showed it to me through the giving of his own life for mine? Does my heart leap with joy at the thought of a lone figure, hanging on a cross, knowing that I put him there and yet he musters up enough strength to stay the hand of his hurting Father and say "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

And I feel the question linger in the air: this God who has given His all, does He enthrall you? Are you enthralled by the beauty of His majesty? Are you enthralled by the humility of his divinity? Are you enthralled by His love that woos you to Himself?

My heart and mind says Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes. And yet, my actions say No, No, a million times No.

Oh God, may You be my pleasure, my happiness, my delight. May I be enthralled by You in my very core. May my actions reflect how much You have enthralled me. That even if I have "better things" to do, I will set them aside because I cannot do anything but praise You! May my heart be full of You! May You be my Consuming Desire that urges me to recklessly abandon all I have to please You.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

and scene...

A response to all the "there are no Christian men" blogs/posts

Introduction

While the bemoaning of the fate of Christian men (where are they?) by men and women have gone on for a very long time, I have a sense through the recent proliferation of blogs/posts by those within my social circle, that it somehow has reached some sort of tipping point. Many more people are talking about this not-so-old complaint. And so, I just wanted to add another voice, albeit probably a different one, in the conversation.

First of all, I have sincere and complete disdain about the term "man up." While there are many societal and cultural conceptions of what man is, those things are ultimately bound up in its own cultural expressions. While I do not advocate some sort of relativization of definitions, I think it is important to realize that the concept of "man" is bound up in earthly descriptions that seek to promote its own cultural mandate for what a "man" should be.

If we truly believe that Jesus came down to earth to show us what true humanity looks like, I think it would be more appropriate to say "Jesus up." The word "man" is bound up in too many semantical, linguistic, cultural baggage that it can sometimes be difficult to ascertain which qualities we are trying to call forth when we say the word "man up." I would like to think that calling someone to "Jesus up" is synonymous to the call that Jesus has on both men and women to be more Christ-like.

Aside: when I see a woman who does not really exemplify a Prov. 31 woman, I don't exactly write blogs/posts about how they need to "woman up." If there is a challenge for men to be more like men, shouldn't women be also challenged to be more like women?

In Christian circles, this type of thinking can lead into statements like, "real men pray" or "real men treat their wives well" or the like. While I do not disagree with such statements, what happens if I didn't pray for a day. Is my masculinity negated by such an act? Is being a "man" a question of doing, or a question of being. Donald Miller, during an interview, probably said it best when he defined a man as "someone who has a penis." (With recent medical changes, I would qualify that as someone who was born with a penis. I know that that definition could probably be re-visited for hermaphrodites, but I digress. Hopefully, you got the major point!)

Is there such a thing as Biblical manhood? While I have not read Piper's book on "Recovering Biblical manhood and womanhood," I would hazard a guess that most Christians would probably say that there is such a thing. At this point, I would say that the rules and regulations that God has given to humanity apply to both sexes. Obedience, submission, leadership are areas that God calls each and everyone of us to participate in and instill in our daily lives. While the expression of these things could potentially look different (complementarian vs. egalitarian), it does not negate the fact that no man or woman is exempt from exemplifying such attributes in their personal life.

Yes, I do believe that most XY individuals over the age of 18 yrs. old do not act in a responsible manner that traditionally such an age would call for. I also do not think that the Church has done a great job in discipling and mentoring young men to help them mature in their own Christian journey. It is a problem and it is an epidemic. We have created a generation of irresponsible, uncouth, selfish generation. (Of course, each generation have always looked down upon their youths. Egyptian artifacts would testify to this fact. So no, this is not a new problem kids.) However, instead of bemoaning and "challenging" men to be more like men, why don't you help foster and create an atmosphere of encouragement for men to learn what it's like to be men? Clearly, most of us have no friggin' clue what it is to be a man. Does that mean you just keep on reminding us that we should be something that we don't even know what it means to be what you are calling us to be? How can we be men if no one teaches us how to be one?

And this ultimately goes back to my hatred of the word "man up." It points to no one and to nothing. The word "Jesus up" points us to be more like the Human Being that we all aspire to be.

I also think that women should be called to the same standard of being a woman as men are called to be a man.

Inconsistencies

One of the complaints being re-iterated is the fact that men are not leading and how women need/want to be led.

The passages in the Bible that most people look to for this type of thinking concerning the role of men and women are passages that advocate for male leadership within a marriage context. While I do not disagree that our cultural expectation is for the male to lead and for the female to follow, I do have problems when Christians exegete a passage improperly and not maintain logical consistency.

This is what I mean. If somehow you are going to promote an idea that a man must lead in a relationship (outside of a marriage context), then it follows that the woman must also submit to the man. Most women I know say that the idea of submission should happen within a marriage context and anything outside of it is outside the purview of those specific Biblical passages. In this, I agree with them. However, if you maintain that a man must lead in a relationship, then it must follow that you should be willing to submit to them in said relationship. You can't have it both ways.

Secondly, each individual, either male or female, is responsible for their own personal walk with God. it is a PERSONAL relationship after all. That being said, a man or a woman, irregardless of their sex, should not expect another person to come along to lead them to Christ. That's the Holy Spirit's role. Yes, God gives help-mates along the way... but they should help, not initiate, a relationship with Christ.

In a romantic relationship, it is advisable and highly encouraged and recommended, to find a mate who would lead you to a better understanding of Christ and who would challenge you to be more Christ-like. Yet, when we die, we are called to take account for our own personal words and deeds, not the deeds of others, not even our spouses/lovers.

Conclusion

Men, we are called to look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and follow in His ways. Likewise, women, you are likewise called to the same high calling. All of us, men and women, are called to be Children of the Light. If one of us is not quite there in our Christian walk (and really, who isn't?), let us exhort one another and encourage one another to be like Jesus, the ultimate model of what humanity should look like. We are ALL called to the same standard - and that standard is Jesus Christ.

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

and scene...

a tribute to bill zeller

to a man i never knew,

your words resonated deep within me. your words haunt me. wherever you are, this one's for you.

the dark passenger

scream, cry, numb

every fiber straining

to hold it all together.

but i can't.

not anymore.

no one knows

not until the end

will they realize.

by then... too late.

emptiness swallowing me whole

until i am lost, never to be found.

truth hurts.

plus ca change....

A poem to herald in the New Year

secrets of the soul

drifting into familiar patterns

seemingly never changing

bursting with emotions

uncontrollable, overwhelming

happy, peaceful, joie-de-vivre

i wish that were true

lonely, painful, alone

my ever-so-close companions

tragic, violent imagery

haunts me to the core

what will you become?

who will you become?

why have you come?

my soul asks in earnest.

silence, deafening silence

is its eternal response.

Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder what my life would look like if I put God as my ultimate priority. While I really really want to do that, there's a huge part of me that's so scared about the outcome. Do I truly value God above my studies, above potential good jobs, above future income, above unfulfilling relationships that delude me into thinking that it is the epitome of everything that is good in life. I wonder if the relational God that I serve will bring me into a relationship with a helpmate because He has deemed it 'not good' that I was alone.

I wonder if I shall continue to serve the idol of academia and the pursuit of excellence instead of serving the God of the Scriptures. In seminary, it is so easy to forget God in the pursuit of God. Unfortunate, bordering on tragic.

I wonder if the desire of my heart shall ever be fulfilled. Shall that which I yearn for finally be within my grasp? Or shall I continue to long and ache for that which I have not?

I wonder if I shall continue to hope against all hope for hope itself. To live a hopeless existence is death and yet to continually live with hope frustrated, does it not bring death to the self too? The negotiation between the two is both difficult and necessary. I admit I have not found the resolution as of yet.

I wonder if it is better to live in the land of delusion than to live in the land of reality. For in the land of delusion, I am able to delude myself that life is okay and that life is not that hard for there is hope at the end of the tunnel. In the land of reality, I am forced to face the brutal facts that things are not okay and the future is unknown. A malevolent future or a prosperous future brings no joy nor relief... for I do not know which one it shall be. The very act of not knowing the future makes it so unnerving. Some delight in the endless possibilities. I only see the potential doom.

I wonder if I will always struggle through life. Will there be a time when the time for struggling is done away with, and the time for non-struggling begins? For I am weary of this fight and quite ready to throw in the towel and say "Enough! No more!"

I wonder if peace shall ultimately reign within me as promised by the Scriptures.

I wonder if joy shall fill my life.

I wonder if love will consume and burn me through and through.

I wonder...

and scene...

back to school...

well, this is my first full week of school. it has definitely been a difficult one. tres stressful and i'm not just talking about school. life circumstances could definitely be easier... but that's all just part of life i guess. i'm learning a lot though in my courses so i'm happy about that.

i'll write more in the next couple of days. now off to read an article... the first of many. hahaha.

and scene...

Poem

Here's a poem I wrote on the bus the other day.

Eyes opening,
Taking in the sights all around me
Staring at a ceiling, a blank, white ceiling.

Ears opening,
Listening to the sounds of the street
The humming of cars, a familiar beat
Faintly heard, almost imagined.

Mind thinking,
Wondering why I ever saw this world alive,
Hoping that the miseries of life would come to a halt,
Though some may say the answer comes at too high a cost.

Slowly I get up
Go through the motions of life
Walking out to a world that I daresay I loathe.

Good morning.

Forever...

This whole forever business has gotten me thinking. I was doing my devos today and came upon this verse

"I will praise thee for ever, because thou hast done it: and I will wait on thy name; for it is good before thy saints. " - Psa. 52:9

Praising God forever... while that is a beautiful thought and definitely something I would like to achieve... that word "forever" attached right after "praise" is ummm... problematic. There's a part of me that thinks that within 5 minutes of sending "Publish Post", I probably would already start thinking about anything and everything else other than God, let alone praising Him.

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I went to Ottawa's Bluesfest "World Gospel Jam" last Saturday and got a chance to see some great performers like Richie Righteous, New World Son, and Group 1 Crew. The one thing that I was thinking while listening to them was how much I loved Christian music because it not only entertains me, but it also allows me to focus my thoughts and my heart to God, the reason why all these artists are doin' their thang. While I have no problems listening to secular music, I do notice that they're not very good at reminding me of God's goodness and grace. If I already have ADD about the whole "forever" aspect of praising Him, maybe I should listen to more Christian music :P

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I got a chance to talk to a friend of mine in French last week and it was probly the longest convo I've had since coming back from North Africa where I had to speak in French. I need more speaking opportunities. I think the one thing that I don't like about my oral and written French is that I'm not able to manipulate words like I could in English. And only more practice can help me with that.

Dear God, I pray that I would be able to think of You, concentrate on You, meditate on You, and praise You more consistently and intentionally throughout the day. May I live in Your presence every second of this day. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, I pray. Amen.

and scene...

Betwixt

I was talking to a friend the other day, catching up with each other's life. She was asking me how I was doing and told her what was percolating in my heart. "I'm not doing good" is probably the PG version of what I told her. She asked me if I was being a part of a community. I had to honestly say no. I didn't belong to a community. I didn't feel like I was a part of a community. Yes, I have managed to establish friendships with a number of people. With some, I would even say deep and real friendships. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I feel like I'm a part of a community. I definitely feel a strong desire to be and participate in a community, but quite honestly, I do not have the desire to try and build one for myself. I'm tired of initiating relationships. I'm tired of having relationships where I don't feel pursued. And if this is the result of my actions, so be it. Part of the reason why I'm not really complaining (too loudly) about my lack of community is because of my attitude. I know that I have made my own bed of crap and so I have to lie down in it too. In the process of explaining these things to her, a revelation into my state was revealed. "I just feel so weak and sick and I don't have the energy to ask for help because I don't have that much energy anymore. Sometimes, I just want someone to come alongside me and help me." "Have you told this to anyone? With these specific words?" I had to say no. No, I haven't. "Sometimes, you have to let others know. They're not psychics. They may not know that you need help." It's hard to ask someone for help. I know it. It's the fact that I'm allowing myself to feel rejection. I've definitely had my fill of that already. And right now, I really don't know of any other option than to lock my heart, steel my will, and face the world. If someone comes along to help, that would be nice. Not to say that my friends haven't been supportive or helpful, they most definitely have. I just don't think they are able to help me. And I'm not about to try to see if I'm wrong with my assumptions.

Today has been a stressful day for me. A number of circumstances just compounded and made it into an almost unbearable situation. It's so easy to see my life as a failure. What have I done with it? I should be more than what I am now. The future, with all of its unknowns, scare me. I only see nothing but pain, fears realized, disappointments. The thought of a loving Cosmic Being sadly brings me no hope. The empty cross that should fill me with fullness does not. The Saviour who promised abundant life is somewhere in the far recesses of my heart and mind. It's no wonder that I feel what I feel. Somehow, this thought only exacerbates the situation. I enter, yet again, into the vicious cycle of guilt, despair and frustration.

Unlike Paul, I would not have chosen to stay in the land of mortal men. Oh how I long to see Him face to face.

First post of 2010

2010 has brought about many revelations of how there are still so many things in my life that need to change. Realizing this has brought about a certain degree of trepidation and some sense of excitement about what the future holds for me. One year older, one year somewhat wiser. Wiser, in the sense that I have realized more deeply and thoroughly how I don't know anything! In many ways, I was surer of who I am and who I was when I was in my teens than I am now. I guess that's the thing that you realize as you get older. You're not as smart as you think you are. You're not as "all that" as you think you are. Reading the books for my leadership course has challenged me and convicted me of how I have to grow as a leader. Being in my Masters program made me realize that I'm not as gung ho about academia. The thought of doing a Ph.D. while I'm in my Masters makes me shudder. I'm slowly realizing more and more what I want to do with my life and that's always a good thing. It's taken me about 28 years to figure it out, but I guess, better late than never. lolz.

To a certain degree, I've also realized things about myself that I didn't realize before. I actually need and crave solitude amidst the overwhelming noise that I usually surround myself in. I spent a day with the Lord a couple of days ago and it was an amazing time of re-focussing and rejuvenation for my spirit. I've also had greater appreciation for friendships that I have built along the years. It's nice to have people know you for that long. It makes conversations way easier and real-er.

With a new year ahead of me, I'm looking forward to how I'm going to grow in such things as leadership and being servant-hearted. I'm not exactly the one who wants to serve. I want to be served. More and more, I realize what a detrimental attitude this has been in my life. Also looking forward to being more disciplined both physically and spiritually. Being really challenged to live a life that's totally and wholly abandoned to Christ, no matter what the cost.

and scene...

The Shape of life

I was contemplating writing "The Circle of life" but as I was thinking about it, I decided against it. Sometimes, it doesn't feel so infinite. It feels so finite. It feels like a line sometimes, when I've reached the destination and I'm left wondering, what's next? It seems like a square sometimes, going from corner to corner, getting lost in the process. Sometimes it's like a triangle, as I go from side to side, only to find my way up to the top. Sometimes, it's like a circle, and I go around and around, never reaching a particular destination, but the process of going round and round was actually THE destination.

Life has been something that I've often thought about. Lots of people say that we don't have a lot of time on this earth and we only occupy such a short amount of time. And yet, when I have readings piling up, problems crashing down, worries that won't go away, that time doesn't seem so short. It seems so interminably long. But when I am listening to my favourite song, cherishing a beautiful poem, or having conversations with those near and dear to me, I wish I could hold on to it forever. Time seems so ephemeral or daunting depending on my mood on that day.

Four years ago, I graduated from university. I always wanted to get my Masters, just wasn't sure which one to take. Then life took me for a spin. It took me to such far-flung places like North Africa and Europe. I got to see things that I didn't really think I would be able to. To see the desert dunes at sunset, or the Roman coliseum where my descendants of faith were martyred, to experiencing a Latin mass in a beautiful cathedral... it really is a marvelous thing to behold and be a part of.

And now, the travelling is over. Now is the time for settling down. It's been awhile since I knew where I was going to be for such a long stretch of time (aka 3 years!). And with that realization comes some rising feelings of doubt and fear. How am I going to do this? I'm only a month in and I'm already feeling so stressed out! Can I make it? Will I do well? What if I can't make it?

I know that I put too much pressure on me. I know it. I feel it. I feel the weight of the world crushing my shoulders. I was never meant to carry it. I was supposed to let Christ do that for me. But it just comes so naturally.

And now I struggle with my daily dose of burdens. I feel the burden of perfection... to do and to be the best at whatever I do. And it's so easy to be humbled and reminded that I'm not perfect. I just have to look at the paper that I just handed in. I feel the burden of un-attachedness. As I look around and am surrounded by people who are married or in a relationship, or in the throes of one, I'm reminded that I am not in the same predicament. As each year goes by, the screams of insecurities grow louder and louder. In the darkness, the sound of silence is too painful to hear.

But God is still infinitely merciful to me as He gives me glimpses of silver lining amidst the grey clouds that hang over me. He gives me people to remind me that hope is still alive. He gives me friends that show me love. And for that I am truly thankful.

I have no idea where life is taking me. But... all I need is You. And may that always be true of me.

and scene...

Song of Sid IV

Song of Sid IV

Mind spinning, whirling, twisting
Remembering what should remain forgotten
Seizing what should remain hidden
Contemplating what should remain latent

Soul descending, spiralling, groaning
Falling under a burden of care
Stumbling over sins I bear
Tripping over and under everything, I swear

The walls are closing in
I can barely breathe
My world is caving in
I can barely scream

I cry out in the open
I cry in despair
The tears flood my senses
But I can't tell if You're there

Silence.
Screaming silence.
Painful silence.
Silent silence.

Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani

Tetelestai.

Retreat

This is a re-posting of a poem I wrote (3.31.2008). It just reminds me of how much I need to set aside time to be able to think and meditate and contemplate and reflect on God! It's a good reminder to me of what happens when I spend time with Him... He speaks!

Lessons by the sea

In the distance, I hear the ocean's roar
Its peaceful waves lapping the shore
It caught my ear, it caught my eye
Such a vision, so near, so nigh

As I looked, it spoke to me
Mortal man, can you see?
I, His work, proclaim His name
Do you, His beloved, do the same?

My tongue was tied, I could not speak
Here, its waters, so mighty so deep
Its roar, explain it cannot, to those who can hear
Its language so alien, so foreign, imperceptible to the ear

Yet I gifted with the tongue of men
With language that the ear can understand
Fail to declare while the ocean perseveres
The God who loves, who loves even me

I guess this is what happens when I heed the words "be still"
His mighty works I even begin to hear
O God, loosen my tongue that I may praise
For ever did I hear even the ocean say

God is near, here and everywhere
His praise, His works will never fail
To proclaim, to declare, to shout, to roar
The Blood of the Lamb conquers all

To us, His children, are given this task
To show His love as in His love we bask
Our sins as great as they may ever be
Greater still is He, our Saviour, our King

As fast as feet could ever fly
The Lord is Risen, must be our cry
His kingdom there shall be no end
Usher must we His kingdom, till all knees bend

and scene...

Misty Waters

On Monday, my Canadian STINT team went to Niagara Falls for a day trip. While I was there, I finally went to Maid of the Mist, a boat ride that takes you up close to the falls. I was all alone because they didn't want to go. So off I went. As I was nearing the falls, the mist created by the crashing of the falls intensified. And suddenly, it was almost like rain. And there I was, face to face, with this amazing force of nature. I took out my camera and then put it back in my pocket. I had a moment like this before in North Africa when I was walking surrounded by the gorge. It was a moment that I wanted to capture because I wanted to be reminded of God's beauty. But when I looked at the pictures, I was rather disappointed. It didn't capture the beauty that my eyes saw. It captured something static while my eyes captured something dynamic. It was moving, breathing, alive. The picture was lifeless, still, dead. And I was reminded yet again of the many God-moments I have experienced. And there's a part of me that wishes that I could capture it so I can look at it again and remember. Thankfully, my memory still works and I can go back in time and remember. And to a certain degree, writing about it, in some way, encapsulates it and makes it real. That this was something that I experienced and felt.

As I stood there, looking and feeling the roar of the waterfalls, I am yet again brought face to face with the majesty and awesomeness of my Creator. It was so beautiful... yet it is also deadly at the same time. I would not want to be caught in that water. I am reminded again of how small I am, and how big God is. It was a humbling experience and one that also brought great relief. I know that I can't make it on my own... but I know that I serve a God big enough to deliver me from anything and everything.

Everyone on the boat were taking pictures, looking intensely at the falls, basically completely bedazzled by its beauty. It was beautiful in its grandeur, in its stillness, in its seeming eternality... people hundreds of years ago saw the same thing that my eyes were seeing. That's somewhat mind boggling. This thing has stood the test of time. And will continue to do so. One day, my children will see those same falls. And their children's children will see it too. The thought of that timelessness is ridiculous to contemplate and meditate on.

I think that's what amazes me so much about nature. Nature has this enduring quality about it. Our world is filled with disposable things. Things that come and go. But you look at a mountain and you know that it is not going to go away anytime soon. That mountain will outlive you.

And that does not even compare to the timelessness and eternality of God. HE was the One who made those things. And this Timeless and Eternal One has set His eyes on me and said, "YOU! SID! YES YOU! You will be my son, and I will be Your Father". That is bone-chilling, spine-tingling, amazingness! I get to be a part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people who are called out of the darkness into His marvellous light. Selah.

"What do I have that You have not given me
What do I give that is not already Yours
All I possess is this life I'm living
And that's what I give to You, Lord"


and scene...

a poem i never gave to a girl...

In the darkness of night,
I feel a warm ray of light
Confused, perplexed, amazed was I
The sun has set
The moon is nigh
And yet such warmth I felt could not be denied.

Like Prometheus who stole fire from the gods,
You have stolen the sun from the sky
Like Prometheus who gave fire to mortal men,
So thou hast shared its radiant beams to those on earth who dwell

I have heard tis folly to go near the sun
Too close and fiery death shall be my demise
Yet I long to know the sun
Though like Icharus I might collide

I long to knows its mystery
Hidden from my eyes
I wonder at its glorious beauty
My naked eye can't behold such sheer delight

Ensconced in such lofty heights
Shrouded with a veil of mystery,
Unsearchable, unknowable thou art,
O daughter of the heavenlies
Yet if thou seest fit to manifest thyself as a daughter of Eve
Thy secret, true nature, may yet be fathomable for a Son of Adam like me?

Wilt thou forever remain as a daughter of the heavenlies,
Or have I gained favour in thy sight, O daughter of Eve

Now that you (pl) are gone...

So a couple of days ago, my whirlwind romance with the Canadian projectiles have come to an end. I got to spend 6 glorious weeks with them and they were such a great source of encouragement for me. It's been awhile since I've felt loved and appreciated in a very expressive way so their leaving has left me feeling somewhat alone again. I enjoyed hanging out with them and getting a chance to talk to the guys one-on-one has been amazing. David was also an amazing roomie and super bonded during our times together, talking till 3 a.m. in the morning. It helps that he gives really good massages.

When the time to leave happened, there was definitely a lot of waterworks, especially with the two. So many rants and vents and laughs happened between us that it was just really hard letting go.

And so, here I am, almost about to go soon too. Feeling good about leaving, anxious about it too, and all around uncertain as to what the future holds. But apparently, "He's got the whole world in His hands" so I have nothing to fear.

and scene...

The Descent

and so, slowly but surely, i go down to the pit. the only difference is that this time it is with resignation. it is hard not to give up when the outcome seems so certain.

may God have mercy on my soul.

and may God grant me the joy i need so badly too.


and scene...