Betwixt

I was talking to a friend the other day, catching up with each other's life. She was asking me how I was doing and told her what was percolating in my heart. "I'm not doing good" is probably the PG version of what I told her. She asked me if I was being a part of a community. I had to honestly say no. I didn't belong to a community. I didn't feel like I was a part of a community. Yes, I have managed to establish friendships with a number of people. With some, I would even say deep and real friendships. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I feel like I'm a part of a community. I definitely feel a strong desire to be and participate in a community, but quite honestly, I do not have the desire to try and build one for myself. I'm tired of initiating relationships. I'm tired of having relationships where I don't feel pursued. And if this is the result of my actions, so be it. Part of the reason why I'm not really complaining (too loudly) about my lack of community is because of my attitude. I know that I have made my own bed of crap and so I have to lie down in it too. In the process of explaining these things to her, a revelation into my state was revealed. "I just feel so weak and sick and I don't have the energy to ask for help because I don't have that much energy anymore. Sometimes, I just want someone to come alongside me and help me." "Have you told this to anyone? With these specific words?" I had to say no. No, I haven't. "Sometimes, you have to let others know. They're not psychics. They may not know that you need help." It's hard to ask someone for help. I know it. It's the fact that I'm allowing myself to feel rejection. I've definitely had my fill of that already. And right now, I really don't know of any other option than to lock my heart, steel my will, and face the world. If someone comes along to help, that would be nice. Not to say that my friends haven't been supportive or helpful, they most definitely have. I just don't think they are able to help me. And I'm not about to try to see if I'm wrong with my assumptions.

Today has been a stressful day for me. A number of circumstances just compounded and made it into an almost unbearable situation. It's so easy to see my life as a failure. What have I done with it? I should be more than what I am now. The future, with all of its unknowns, scare me. I only see nothing but pain, fears realized, disappointments. The thought of a loving Cosmic Being sadly brings me no hope. The empty cross that should fill me with fullness does not. The Saviour who promised abundant life is somewhere in the far recesses of my heart and mind. It's no wonder that I feel what I feel. Somehow, this thought only exacerbates the situation. I enter, yet again, into the vicious cycle of guilt, despair and frustration.

Unlike Paul, I would not have chosen to stay in the land of mortal men. Oh how I long to see Him face to face.